A Dominant’s Guide to Messaging Your Sub Commands That’ll Have Them Crawling Back for More

Is the brain really the most stimulating sex organ? Proponents of BDSM chatting and sexting think so.

Sexuality is, among other things, varied and complex. Practices like bondage, domination, sadomasochism, or submission are not for everyone. Even those who are intrigued by these things may not try them due to shame, fear, inability to find a willing partner, or simply not being sure how to proceed. 

We at Kinkly think that simply won’t do. Any consensual activity that intrigues you deserves to be explored with an equally curious adult partner. 

One way BDSM texting can differ from physical encounters is how much more experimentation can happen. Without the boundaries of the physical, exploration can be more vast and less restrained, which can make it easier for curious newbies to get started.

“Timothy,” a straight cis man from Kentucky, explains:

"An online D/s relationship was the best way for me to be introduced to that world... Letting myself go and allowing someone else to take control opened up a whole new set of very enjoyable sensations that I don’t believe I would have been able to experience in person."

Why do people like BDSM? 

One male BDSM enthusiast explains:

“For me, kink, and especially BDSM, is like going to a haunted house or watching a scary movie. There’s a catharsis you don’t normally get in day-to-day life. You can experience something extreme or painful, but there’s always a small voice in the back of your head reminding you that you’re not in any real danger. You just let go and immerse yourself.” 

Read More: Bondage With Benefits: What I Learned From BDSM

Isn’t BDSM dangerous? 

Bondage, spankings, and other activities relating to Dominant/submissive play can be awesome. Giving up or taking control can be wonderful with the right partner and good communication. But yes, restraints, spreader bars, gags, and giving or taking commands can be dangerous — especially for novices who haven’t taken the time to learn safety basics.

If you want to experiment without doing a deep dive into spanking safety 101 or learning Japanese knot-tying, or understanding the entire human circulatory system just to tie someone up safely — BDSM chatting is a great next step! 

BDSM chat? How is that even possible?

Sexting (short for sexy texting) is the more thumb-intensive version of phonesex. Using a chat app allows you to send texts, pics, and short audio files if that’s something you’re into. More advanced BDSM enthusiasts might also use video, but for now, we'll focus on chat. 

Some BDSM chat sites may allow for anonymous BDSM chat, which can be a fun way to take a closer look at BDSM culture in the short term. However, be sure to understand the risks associated with whatever BDSM chat rooms you’re using. Be safe out there! 

It’s important to remember that good BDSM practices require extensive communication between partners. Setting and respecting boundaries is a vital part of safe, healthy BDSM practice. While a chat doesn’t carry the same dangers to one’s body as a physical encounter — all the emotions are all still there. Honesty and forthright communication are essential. 

How do I get started with BDSM chatting? 

If you’re new and in an anonymous BDSM chatroom, the best advice is to lurk (read without commenting) until you feel comfortable enough to chime in. If all you want to do is watch, that’s okay too. Paying attention to your comfort level is an important aspect of BDSM play. 

Start with a conversation about boundaries, likes, and dislikes. Degrading language is a huge turn-on for some, but when it’s hurled at someone who doesn’t want it, well, it’ll be a bad time for everyone. Establish who is the Dom, who’s the sub, and when, if any, switching will take place. 

Both parties should be as specific as possible about what they want and their limits. It's essential to discuss what kind of language is appropriate, whether things like audio or video should be sent or used, what kind of scenarios are strictly off-limits, and anything else that feels important to you. Don’t forget that sending sexually provocative photos should only be done with consent. Most folks are not down for random, unsolicited, explicit photos.

Establish a safe word just as you would in an in-person BDSM scenario. Even when you're not in the same room, this talk is best had outside the bedroom or playroom while everyone is still fully dressed. Why? Science has documented that sexual arousal has a negative impact on decision making. The convo that precedes any BDSM chat or play has to include hard limits and a clear understanding of when a scene should be stopped. 

To emphasize this point, Kayla Lords, co-host of Loving BDSM podcast, explains that BDSM chatting has specific caveats that in-person encounters may not.

"The hardest part of... sexting is that it can be hard to know your partner’s tone, especially if you’ve never spoken to one another outside of text. It’s too easy for people to have two completely separate conversations and not even know it because a message was misinterpreted. This is where the most important part of kink comes in, communication. 

If you’re not sure what your partner means, ask them to clarify. Yes, it might take you out of the kinky headspace in the moment. But it allows you to get back there... and stay in that sexy kinky moment for longer later on."

What if I don’t know if I’m a Dom, sub, or switch? 

That is a proverbial can of worms. You may already have some ideas about which aspect of BDSM and D/s play gets you going, but the only way to know for sure is to get more information — and if it feels right — give it a try. 

D/s sexting can be a prelude to a face-to-face encounter, or it may never progress beyond your phone screen. A long-term, long-distance BDSM relationship can be enormously satisfying once a strong connection is made. For some practitioners, never being able to touch or be touched by your partner is part of the kink and the fun. If that’s the case, a BDSM chat relationship is perfect. 

What... What am I supposed to say?

Writing about sex is literally my job. Yet BDSM chatting can sometimes feel awkward for me, especially when it’s with a new friend. My habit is to have a few conversations about other stuff first — movies, music, politics, just to know a fella before inquiring as to whether they want to be tied up and spanked or if their penis has ever been in a cage. 

Once you’ve set some particulars with your partner, you have lots of options. 

BDSM chats often revolve around commands. These may include:

• Instructions on garments or getting naked. “I want you to get undressed for me” or “I’m taking off my pants.” 
• Recite rules and punishments established in earlier conversations. 
• Jerk-Off Instructions (AKA: JOI). Telling someone exactly how to stroke their penis. This may involve begging, counting, scolding, edging, or denial of orgasm. I have a chat buddy who loves to be told exactly how many strokes he’s allowed, how many fingers he may use, and that he isn’t permitted to orgasm until Mistress says so. 
• Timed commands. Requiring a text, photo, etc, at a specific time or established intervals, with punishments for failing to do so. “I want to see those tits at precisely 4:02 p.m.” 
• Pointedly ignoring texts. As Mistress Zoe Noir announced, "I’ll ignore you so hard, you will start to doubt your own existence." Lovely! 
• If there’s mutual masturbation afoot, those descriptions may be good additions to the chat. This can be a great time for wearable vibrators or vibrating cock rings that provide physical sensation while keeping your hands free.
• Speaking of wearables, being “forced” to wear a panty vibrator or a butt plug can be a fun addition to a D/s relationship. 

The limits of your BDSM text conversations are set only by you and your partner. If you’re into consensual non-consent, set your boundaries and go for it. Daddy/Mommy kinks, brat taming, acts of service, tie-ups, ‘honor bondage’ (when a sub is on their honor to stay still, but no actual restraints are used), tickling, spanking/whips, pretty much anything you can imagine can be worked into your scenario. 

Read More: Your Guide to Knismolagnia: Demystifying the Tickle Fetish

We just concluded an amazing BDSM chat — now what?

The steps we take to ensure our partner feels comfortable and safe after a BDSM chat encounter is called “Aftercare.” The kind of aftercare needed will vary by partner and scenario. Some people like to be praised or reaffirmed after a D/s experience. Others like to be left alone. A quick emoji can mean the difference between your sub feeling validated and cared for and them feeling cheap and used. Whatever choice you make is up to both of you — but it should always be a deliberate choice that stems from a desire to please your partner. 

Aftercare is another aspect you and your D/s chatting friend can discuss before you engage in any rough stuff. Ask your partner what they need, but don’t be surprised if they aren’t sure. If D/s chatting is new for both of you, it might take a few tries to figure out what you both need. Personally, I like to reaffirm our mutual affection for each other. 

Now that you know everything you need to know to get started, get chatting! And most importantly, stay safe while having fun.