How to Talk to a Dominatrix: The Do’s and Don’ts to Finding Your Mistress

So, you've decided you want to visit a Professional Dominatrix but you're not quite sure how to find or approach one. First, let me validate how you're feeling. It's totally normal! This can be a scary and nerve-wracking step in your BDSM journey. Luckily, I'm here to help you catch the eye of your potential Mistress!

While this article isn’t a complete list, it is a good starting point to ensure that you are worth their time and efforts.

What is a Dominatrix? 

A Dominatrix is a femme-presenting individual who takes the dominant role in BDSM practices. Most often, this term is used for someone who gets compensated for the experiences they provide and their time. Most Professional Mistresses are open-minded and welcome people to explore their desires in a safe and controlled atmosphere. 

Types of Dominatrices 

A Dominatrix may fall into numerous categories or exemplify one specific archetype. When trying to decide who you want to see, consider their domination style and how it fits with your desires and interests. You wouldn’t want to see a strict or harsh Dominatrix if you were looking for a more soft and playful experience, would you? So, it's crucial for you to understand what kind of Mistress you're looking for.

Some examples of different types of Dominatrices are:

The Sensual FemDom

This type of persona centers around sensual domination. In a session with a Sensual FemDom, you might be required to worship the Mistress or allow her to tease you in any way she sees fit. A Dominatrix that identifies with the sensual aspect may come off as more alluring. Think of a temptress ready to lure you into their lair.

The Financial Dominatrix

A Financial Dominatrix, or FinDom, is a professional that plays with people that have a fetish for money or for spoiling. This type of Domme will often engage in cash meets, or meetings in a public space to exchange tribute and/or gifts. They say that money doesn’t buy happiness but when you are on your knees sacrificing yourself financially in order to spoil your Dominant, it can be an incredible rush. 

Disciplinarian

Someone who identifies with a disciplinarian persona may take on the role of a teacher or caregiver who specializes in “punishments.” Typically they are an authoritative person with a no nonsense policy. Popular activities in a session with a disciplinarian may include impact play with implements such as canes, crops, rulers, or paddles. They tend to be more strict and high protocol which is something to consider when choosing your provider. 

Dommy Mommy

Dommy Mommies come from a perspective of nurturing and providing support. Though not always into age play, they exude motherly tendencies and feel protective over their bottom. A lot of people share a fantasy where they are taken care of and maybe even pampered by someone who is skilled and in charge, and this persona lends nicely to that desire. A Dommy Mommy is someone who delicately balances their dominance and power with empathy and protection. 

Read More: What Makes a Good BDSM Mommy

Medical Mistress

Professional Mistresses of this type cater to those with medical fetishes, or medfet, and may engage in role plays such as doctor/nurse and patient. Attire that one might wear during a session can be very elaborate as they are very into the aesthetic associated with this type of play. Some popular activities that this type of Dominatrix might be proficient with are exams, electroplay, CBT, sounding, and medical bondage to name a few.

How to Find a Dominatrix

When I started as a Professional Dominatrix, people found providers in newspapers and magazines. Then the Internet came along and made it possible to find almost anything that you wanted if you looked deep enough. There were so many popular sites where professionals could advertise their services such as Craigslist, Backpage, Eros Guide, and more.

Unfortunately, there's so much censorship in the world now that even advertising on X (formerly Twitter) has proven difficult. So where do you find a provider to see? You could always search “dominatrix near me” but there are sites that are still active like Dickie Virgin, Slixa, and Tryst. You can also find professionals on FetLife, Instagram, and Reddit.

Here are my expert tips to guide you on your search!

Do: Your Research

The first concept you need to understand and accept is that it is a privilege to be accepted to serve at the feet of a provider. Their inboxes get flooded with requests every day, so it's important to stand out. So, do your research on the Mistresses who intrigue you.

I don’t mean just skim their Instagram to see if they’re hot or not. You should be taking your time to explore this person: their interests, domination style, experience level, protocols, their morals and values. Educate yourself on their policies including deposits, cancellations, etc. You want to make sure that they align with you and what you’re looking for.

They should have a legitimate website that is current and up-to-date as well as active social media accounts to ensure that they are for real, not someone trying to scam you for your money. 

Don’t: Show Up Early or Late

Sometimes professional domintracies stack their days with numerous sessions or other responsibilities and being punctual is a very attractive quality in potential clients. If you’re going to be late, it’s okay, but let the provider know so they can make necessary changes to their schedule if needed. If it’s looking like you might get to your location early, try and kill some time or just park down the street. Being early can impact a Dominatrix because it cuts into their preparation time.

Do: Be Concise In Emails

While it is important to talk about your interests and desires, you can do that in your introductory email instead of going back and forth with 500 emails.

Mistress Kye Ryen states, “This tells me you’re more likely comfortable indulging in fantasy from behind your keyboard rather than actually booking my time, skill-set, and expertise.”

“We can tell when you are just trying to get your kicks off in an email or on the phone. If you want that kind of interaction, connect on Niteflirt or schedule a virtual session,” Mistress Emberly adds.

Do your best to refrain from vulgar and explicit language. For many of the providers I know, myself included, explicit and vulgar language from someone we're not working with is a red flag.

Don’t: Haggle Prices

Professional Mistresses put a lot of money into what they do. The beauty regimens, training and lessons to hone their craft, supplies, toys, and/or furniture cost a lot of money. Sometimes, they even purchase things specifically for your session to make the experience worth it. Website and advertising costs contribute to a Dominatrix's rates as well as other factors.

If you feel like someone’s prices are too high, that's okay. Just keep looking for another provider that suits your budget. Or save until you can see the Domme of your dreams!

Do: Respect Boundaries

If you’re unsure of how you can appropriately engage with a provider, just ask.

Miss Parker Leigh says, “I love when a potential client asks what my boundaries are and what kind of touch is acceptable. It shows that they actually care about me as a person beyond what I can provide for them.”

When you question boundaries or give any kind of pushback, that’s a sign that you may not understand consent or could be unsafe. 

Read More: BDSM Safety Rules: Expert Advice on Safer Play

Don’t: Say You Have No Limits

Everyone has limits. If someone comes to me and says that they either don’t have limits or they don’t want or need a safe word, it makes me cringe. A provider may see that as you operating from a place of self-harm, which isn't safe for anyone involved. For me, it also says I can’t trust you to speak up if something is too much. Dominatrices are very skilled in what they do, but they aren’t mind readers. 

Do: Ask How Is Best to Prep

If it’s not listed on their website, ask! Preparation can mean many things from hygiene to attire to bodily preparations for certain activities. Most Mistresses are going to enjoy being close to and touching you a lot more if you’re freshly showered with teeth brushed. Pro tip: go easy on the cologne! No matter how amazing the scent is, too much is overwhelming.

Don’t: Top From the Bottom

You are there to be dominated and out of control in some capacity. Let your mistress take over. This doesn’t mean you can’t express what you’re looking for and what you want included your session. But few things are more annoying than someone trying to control the scene once it’s started. This really affects the headspace of everyone involved. 

What it ultimately comes down to is being a respectful person. Just because someone is doing sex work doesn’t mean they don’t deserve to be valued.

Now that you’re armed with all this information, it’s time to start your search. Or perhaps these tips gave you the courage to finally contact that provider you’ve had your eye on. Go for it!